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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23350567">Dance of the Volleyball</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayofsun936/pseuds/rayofsun936'>rayofsun936</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>To Live Life as Your Authentic Self [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ballet, Ballet Dancer Yaku Morisuke, Gen, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Yaku Morisuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:47:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,189</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23350567</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayofsun936/pseuds/rayofsun936</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>During recitals he has the ability to get lost in the performance. There are no mirrors and the stage lights are blinding to the point where he can barely see the edge of the stage. It makes it easier to block everything else out. To focus on the rhythm of the music and the movement of his body. To hear his pulse thundering in his veins in tandem to the beat. To weave fluidly between his fellow dancers like water.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>To Live Life as Your Authentic Self [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1647019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dance of the Volleyball</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morisuke loves dancing. To be more specific he loves ballet. Morisuke is good at it too. Like really good. He is perfectly light on his feet, has amazing balance, and a great sense of spatial awareness. He is proud to report that he has never run into, slapped or knocked anyone unconscious with a flailing limb. His success usually puts him in the leading parts in every recital. Except for last winter. It wasn’t his fault. He got sick. It doesn’t really count.</p><p>He loves how he can dance around with his friends during class. Laugh with them when they all fall down. He loves the playdates that follow each recital. The atmosphere and the praise. The banquets and flowers post recital. Morisuke thrives in the dancing community.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>One recital Morisuke tries to do his own hair. He insisted because he is super smart and no longer four. He can count to 100, hold his breath under water for a whole minuet and knows about photosynthesis. His sister taught him. She is supper smart too.</p><p>He stands in front of the mirror on the bathroom stool, stray hairs in one hand, bobby pin in the other. He slowly and meticulously calculates the distance between his hair and bobby pin. Carefully trying to trap the strays with the device. He misses by a long shot. He tries again. Another miss. Morisuke starts getting frustrated. He knows he can do this, he is supper smart, pinning his hair up should not be this difficult. He tries again and again until he ends up poking his eye out. He eyes start to water and his hatred for mirrors is born. How dare mirrors lie to him.</p><p>He runs to his sister, insisting she helps him out. She accepts this task, having watched the whole ordeal.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>People ask him how he got so good. How he has achieved such perfect form. They speculate that it must be because he looks at himself in the mirror constantly, utilizing the rooms that have mirrors on all four sides. Paying close attention to every angle his body makes and tweaking it to perfection.</p><p>The rumors are just that. Rumors. He hates looking at mirrors. They always throw him off. His movements are slow and sluggish when he tries to use a mirror. When he uses the mirror to help with feet placement his body refuses to listen.</p><p>He wants to place his right foot exactly 3.4 cm to the left of his left foot, toes pointing at a 45 degree angle towards the left. He ends up having his right foot 5 inches to the left of his left foot, toes pointing forward and he can’t fathom how the mirror lied to him about his foot placement. He tries again, and again, and again with the mirror. Commanding the mirror to cooperate with him.</p><p>It doesn’t listen.</p><p>He gives up. He closes his eyes and pictures how he wants his body to move and then shifts into position. When he opens his eyes he sees his body finally obeyed his commands. That is when he makes the decision to never trust mirrors ever again. They are useless and he can do everything he needs to on his own. Morisuke is smart like that.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke isn’t bothered by the fact that everything is washed in a million different shades of pink. The glitter dusting his arms and hair also doesn’t bother him. In fact, he slightly enjoys it because he feels like a very masculine domineering vampire with it on even though he knows the idea of vampires glittering in the sunlight is ludicrous. The makeup makes his face itch, but it also makes his eye’s pop. Looking at a mirror isn’t too terrible if he only focuses on his eyes that are highlighted by the makeup.  </p><p>Morisuke doesn’t understand why everyone else around him squeals and praise each other for looking so grown and mature in their glitter and makeup. That it makes them look like real ballet dancers. They are all real ballet dancers. That is why they are all here. Isn’t it? To dance ballet. Why is everyone so dumb?</p><p>So Morisuke doesn’t mind the endless sea of pink, or the bottles of glitter, or the itchiness of makeup. What he does mind is the tutus and skirts that go hand in hand with recitals. His recital costumes are just so different from his practice wear. The practice wear is slim and tight and light to enhancing flexibility and movement. Making him feel as fluid as water. While the recital wear is also light and tight and slim to enhance flexibility and movement. It just comes with the added bonus of tutus that puff out or skirts that flair when he spins. It throws him off balance and he finds himself having to readjust all the time during dress rehearsals because everything is just off center. Either slightly to the left, or slightly to the right. His arms brush against fabric that he isn’t used too. To conclude Morisuke definitely finds practice to be a more enjoyable experience than the recitals. </p><p>The only exception to liking practice more than recitals is that during recitals he has the ability to get lost in the performance. There are no mirrors and the stage lights are blinding to the point where he can barely see the edge of the stage. It makes it easier to block everything else out. To focus on the rhythm of the music and the movement of his body. To hear his pulse thundering in his veins in tandem to the beat. To weave fluidly between his fellow dancers like water. </p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>He is only nine, in his third year and everyone is praising him on his dancing skills. Already talking to him about becoming a prestigious professional ballet dancer. His parents start talking about enrolling him in a school that specializes in performing arts to get him the best dancing education possible. That he is going to be the star of the family bringing up the Yaku name to stardom. Morisuke preens at the praise and attention. Soaking it all in and playing it up. </p><p>Until it hits him. That he is going to grow up in dancing. That part he is okay with. The part that doesn’t agree with him is the titles of “Best Womens Dancer” and "Best Female Dancer in Japan" that will be thrown at him. It makes him frown. Best womens dancer? Female dancer? Why do those specific words have to be in his title? How much of a difference does it make? He tells his sister his concerns quietly at night in their room. </p><p>"Nee-san?”</p><p>“What?” She sounds annoyed even though they just got to bed ten minutes ago. Morisuke puts on his brave face and continues. “Are you awake?”</p><p>“Nope”</p><p>He takes her answer as permission to continue. “Well I really like being a dancer. Like really really like it.”</p><p>“I know, your point?”</p><p>“I still want to dance, but I don’t want to be THE best FEMALE dancer.” He hears her shift in the bed down below.</p><p>“Is that it?”</p><p>“Yes”</p><p>“Okay. Night nee-chan, don’t let the bed bugs bite.”</p><p>Morisuke frowns at her reply and quickly brushes off the nonexistent bugs on his bed before falling asleep. </p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>About a month later him and Nee-san are out in their back yard digging new holes to plant the flowers he received from his recital last night into his flower garden. They work in perfect tandem, having done this post recital ritual for as long as he can remember. </p><p>“What makes you not want to be THE best Female dancer?”</p><p>Morisuke takes some time to think before responding. He decides to tell her his wish to be even taller than his current 150cm status. About his secret dreams and goals of eventually dancing with the male troupe. He’s sure he will be able to convince them to let a girl on their team eventually. To not have the stupid tutus and flaring skirts that restrict his movement. To no longer have to deal with hair ties, bobby pins and hair nets getting stuck in his hair. To be the one to lift everyone up once he is allowed to do so.</p><p>They move on to repacking the dirt around the new flowers.</p><p>“First off we can get you a haircut. Make it shorter so you won’t have to deal with that.” Morisuke didn’t think that was an option for him. He knows of older women that have short cropped hair, so he logically knows girls can have short hair. He just never thought it could be applied to himself.</p><p>“How short?” he questions.</p><p>“As short as you want. You pick a photo of a style you like, and I’ll take you to get it cut whenever you are ready.” Morisuke contemplates the offer as he starts picking up the gardening tools to be put away.</p><p>“Second of all if you want to be stronger then you need to build up some muscle.” He nods in understanding and does his best to pick up all of the gardening tools at once. Might as well as start now.</p><p>“Come join the volleyball group.” Nee-san continues. “You can build muscle there. It includes a lot of jumping. Strengthen your legs to make your jumps easier.” Morisuke drops all of the tools to stare at her like she grew two extra pair of legs. Volleyball is loud and violent, filled with screaming and balls exploding all over the place. There is no way is he every going to play that monstrosity of a sport. Nee-san laughs at his reaction. </p><p>“Do it for me then. Just try it out for a month and if you still don’t like it then quit.”</p><p>“And if I end up not liking it?”</p><p>“Then I’ll do all of your chores for a month. And if you do end up liking it I’ll buy you that one video game you really like.” </p><p>Morisuke listens and takes it all in as the gardening tools finally make back to their storage place. Sounds like a win win situation for him. Yes he will have to endure a sport he don’t really want to play but the rewards his sister is offering sounds really good.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke decides to give volleyball a try the last month of the current school year. His sister said that it was fun and a good way to build muscle for his dancing career. He also hasn’t cashed in his deal yet and really wants to avoid helping wash the dishes every night. So he goes to the local youth center she recommended that has a volleyball club.</p><p>He is bitter to admit that it is more fun than he expected. Surprised to find out that there is more to it than just running around smacking the ball as hard as you can. Well that is after he researched it. The current level they are all playing at the youth center involves a lot more smacking than strategizing. Still it fun and a good way to get exercise. He is also glad that this sport doesn’t involve mirrors. He can finally get a break from them.</p><p>He discovers he isn’t half bad and makes an excellent middle blocker, being the tallest amongst the girls. His dancing background helps contribute a lot to his success. He is more easily able to jump at a short notice and make it to the other side of the court in a flash to get a block in. He thanks his millions of laps of leaps around the studio for his ability to move from one side of the court to the next.</p><p>As he spends more time playing volleyball he starts making a couple of friends during this time. Mostly with the girls in the club. The boys are oddly close knit. The oddest of them all being a boy that everyone calls Nishi. Nishi is extremely short. Like really really short for boys standards and just qualifies as short for girl standards. And he is loud. Always screaming about something before and after practice, and between matches. Morisuke gets a thought of being happy that he isn’t a boy like Nishi.</p><p>Morisuke finds himself intrigued by Nishi and doesn’t know why he is pulled towards him. He gets a gut feeling that he would understand him. Morisuke is smart. His family praises him for his big brain as much as his dancing. So he uses that brain of his and notes that Noya is a bit too loud, and a bit too oblivious. He notices that Nishi goes silent during games and drills and gets this aura around him that he labels as intensity. He finds himself swallowed up by that intensity when he makes the mistake of looking into Nishi’s eyes as Nishi follows the ball and pulls off a perfect receive. He finds himself wanting to be like this version of Nishi. To be filled with passion and intensity for the sport you love.</p><p>That night Morisuke realizes that the way Nishi looks while on the court must be the way he looks like while on stage. The thought makes him happy.</p><p>On his final day with the volleyball group the coach decides to split them up by gender. Morisuke finds this unfair due to the overwhelming amount of boys to girls. His pouting is interrupted by the fact that Nishi has joined their side. Morisuke is confused by this turn of events until he is reassured by his teammates that this always happens. Which in turn, peaks his curiosity about Nishi even more. He takes note on how much more relaxed Nishi is while playing with them than when he is on a team that mostly consists of the boys.</p><p>His team wins and Nishi celebrates by giving everyone a double high five. Morisuke tries to seize this opportunity to ask why he is so intense while playing volleyball and why he seems to enjoy playing more with the girls than with the boys. Nishi brushes the questions off, laughs, complements him on his volleyball and his height and then runs away laughing some more.</p><p>That evening Morisuke slams the front door open and loudly announces that Nee-san has to do the dishes for the next month. That he still loves dance over volleyball but is glad that he was able to play it for a little bit.</p><p>The next day he finds the latest Smash Brothers game under his pillow.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke knows that puberty decided to visit him earlier than everyone else. The signs are here. His sudden growth spurt that shot him up to tower over the rest of his dance troupe. The forming of curves when he spares a glance at the mirrors. He knows he can’t out run it. He is smart. So when puberty decides to initiate the final phase he runs to his sister to help him out. He is only eleven and just finished all of the beginning stages of puberty. He knew it was coming. He read all about it. Morisuke is smart.</p><p>He just wishes that it could have waited one more year. To let him finish elementary school in peace. Holding off till middle school so he could loudly complain about it with the rest of his friends. But no. Puberty does not care what Morisuke wants. Puberty made sure to come early so that Morisuke can be ahead of the game just like in every other aspect of his life.</p><p>His sister helps him through his first menses. Morisuke is smart. He knows all the technical medical terms of what is happening to his body. Because Nee-san taught him. She sat him down and told him about all the changes that he already knows is going to happen. Morisuke listens through the lecture anyways. Hoping that he learned wrong. He didn’t. His sister confirms all of the knowledge he gathered.</p><p>Even though he learns everything himself, even though his sister confirms his knowledge to be the truth, even though he is smart, a part of him is in complete disbelief. Even though the changes to his body is happening right now in this very moment it feels completely unreal.</p><p>“Why?” Morisuke didn’t mean to voice that out loud.</p><p>“What?” He stays silent. “Why what?” Nee-san is sitting patiently at her desk.</p><p>“Why does this have to happen to me?” Nee-san knows he knows why it is happening to him, and refrains from stating the obvious. That will help no one. They are both smart. She waits him out. Letting him sort through his thoughts.</p><p>“I…” Morisuke is scared to voice this out loud. This nagging thought that has been lingering in the back of his mind since that one comment a long time ago. “I. I don’t think I can continue to in ballet if this keeps happening.”</p><p>The air freezes. He said it. Nee-san stays quiet.</p><p>“The troupe started a mentor mentee program with the older groups. We started working closely with the high schoolers lately. And I feel disconnected from them. From everyone. Everyone is so excited to get to high school level. To be them. I don’t. I can’t see myself as one of them.”</p><p>“You’ve been so excited to be a professional dancer.”</p><p>“I still am. I still want to dance.” Morisuke knows this to be true.  “But not like that. I can’t be like them. I can’t.”</p><p>Morisuke is smart. He knows that reality is cruel, and harsh, and doesn’t care about feelings. Reality just states the truth like mirrors do. Mirrors reflect reality and he hates it.</p><p>His sister has her thinking face on, so he puts his on too. He needs to know the words to describe how he feels. He is smart. He knows why he feels the way he does but still lacks the proper vocabulary despite his current wealth of knowledge.</p><p>Nee-san then bans their parents from entering their room for the rest of the evening. To have their dinner delivered at the door to be eaten in their room. He hears his parents protest but his sister gets her way and that night they stay up late talking about his feelings.</p><p>He ends up learning a lot from his sister. He didn’t know that she was this smart, this knowledgeable. He makes a mental note to keep working on improving himself so he can finally reach her level of intelligence.</p><p>The conversation then ends up flowing towards the future. About his future and what he wants. She makes him think really hard and use that big brain of his. To use all the new words she taught him to properly describe the way he feels so that other people can understand him.</p><p>He uses his brain like his sister tells him to and is exhausted by the end of the night. They still have school the next day, and are no longer allowed to stay up any further.</p><p>Morisuke is glad that his sister isn’t begging him to stay in dance. He is glad that she isn’t going to tell Mom and Dad about what they talked about tonight. He doesn’t deserve to have a sister like her. She is too good for him.</p><p>He falls asleep that night dreaming of a future that he just barely understands.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>A month before he leaves elementary school for good he announces his desire to quit dancing professionally and his reasons behind it.</p><p>“Honey, you can still continue dancing the way you want to you know.” He knows. He knows he can still continue dancing on a boys troupe and he knows how rough it is for those boys. Morisuke is smart. He listened in a bit during the boys talk session during the special mentor mentee week. Over hearing the older boys give the younger boys advice on how to navigate school and social pressures as they move further in their career. Morisuke knows that already doing what he has to do to be himself is a big enough task by itself. Adding on the layer of struggle that will come with continuing dance will be over whelming for him. He is smart. He knows himself.</p><p>His parents are disappointed that he is dropping dance but respect his choice and support him in everything else. He is smart. He knows what he is doing. They trust him and his sister.</p><p>Mom and Dad tell him they are still moving to Tokyo after he graduates elementary school like planned. Morisuke argues against it because he no longer needs to attend a specialized school for the performing arts now that he has quit dancing professionally. Arguing that it is unfair to Nee-san to have to start a new school in her final year. Nee-san states that she doesn’t mind, but he does.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>They end up moving to Tokyo despite his protests because his dad already accepted his promotion that requires him to go to the Tokyo office. His sister is thrilled at the turn of events, stating that the big city is a better place for people like him to grow up in. Morisuke is doubtful but trusts his sister. She is smart.</p><p>The apartment they move into is small and on the twentieth floor. Morisuke has never been so high up in the sky before in his life. It contains two small bedrooms, one bathroom and a tiny kitchen that blends into the sitting area. It is all they can afford in the big city. He still has to share a room with his sister again. Which he doesn’t mind, it feels good to still have at least one constant in a completely new environment. His sister does give him more privacy though, which he appreciates. And a succulent.</p><p>Morisuke decides to go to a middle school that specializes more in academics than the performing arts now that he has quit dancing professionally. Hoping to be able to catch up to Nee-san in the amount of information he will obtain.</p><p>When he officially starts school in April he learns to write Morisuke on his papers. His parents picked that name because they know he is going to have a big impact in the world when he grows up using that big brain of his.</p><p>Fitting in with the other boys is strange at first. Not knowing how to navigate the other side of school. But he adjusts and soon finds his own group to hang with and remembers to respond when his name is called.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke makes the decision to join the volleyball club as his required after school activity because the school doesn’t have a casual dance club. And because he vaguely remembers liking it the one time he did play a few years back.</p><p>He starts off as a wing spiker. No longer considered tall enough to be a middle blocker with his current height of 163cm. Now he is around average height due to some of the boys finally getting a boost from puberty. He gets mad at puberty for starting early with him because he knows he is only going to grow a bit more before stopping forever.</p><p>He enjoys his new position well enough. Being able to smack the ball into the ground more often is more satisfying than he will ever admit, plus it helps him build up his arm muscles. Morisuke indulges himself in the thought of having both brains and brawn to show off.</p><p>His team isn’t the best and isn’t the worst. They just kind of sit in the middle of rankings. Morisuke does his best to keep his team on the winning side. He struggles to keep up with the rest of his team. He struggles to slam the ball to the ground and get enough height to be advantageous. His previous ballet skills no longer giving him an edge except in stamina. He knows he is going to lose even that battle soon as well.</p><p>Everyone else has a biological advantage over him. They can build muscles better and are getting taller and taller. Everyone knows this. It’s not a secret. It shouldn’t have to be a secret.</p><p>The team knows that Morisuke is only able to play with them because the school doesn’t care where he plays. The school lets him play on the boys team because he has no advantage when they play other schools. They all know he will only be allowed to continue on the boys team as long as he can keep up. And Morisuke can’t keep up. </p><p>He doesn’t get to enjoy being a wing spiker for that long. By the end of the year he loses his regular spot and gets put as a bench warmer.</p><p>Starting his second year he doesn’t even get that privilege. He is falling further and further behind and Morisuke hates it.</p><p>He hates the fact of him wearing a sports bra instead of a jock strap is a bigger topic of conversation than their new uniform colors. He hates that sometimes he has to sit out during the little amount of time he is allowed to practice because he didn’t time his pain killers correctly on that day. He hates that everyone is getting taller and stronger while he is getting wider and softer. He is falling further and further behind and he hates it.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke comes home from school and practice angrier and angrier. His parents notice his increasing anger. They try to help him by getting him a membership to a nearby dance studio. Encouraging him to go during closing hours. Hoping that it will help him calm down. Bring him closer to himself.</p><p>He gives it a shot. Nothing else is working, he might as well try. He goes to the studio over the weekend for a few weeks. Brings up old routines that used to float him across the room. He struggles. He tries to get into the previous headspace he had before all of the changes happened. Before Nee-san moved away to start college, before volleyball, before moving to Tokyo, before his self-discovery, before puberty.</p><p>And he does, he gets into that headspace of old times, except there is a clash of cognitive dissonance now. Not the same one as before where he didn’t know what he knows now. This one yells at him for pushing himself into a box he knows he doesn’t fit in.</p><p>It screams at him for trying to mimic his old female forums. Scolds him for thinking of himself as a girl when trying to remember old routines.</p><p>Morisuke finds himself messing up just as badly as he did with mirrors, even though his current studio has none to get in his way. His body no longer listens to him like it did before, for his movements are now awkward and clumsy. Like it knows dancing as a girl is wrong, wanting him to dance as a boy and Morisuke wants that too. To dance as a boy, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know how to dance as Morisuke the boy. He quit dance before he learned how. </p><p>Morisuke tries to give mirrors another chance because he is desperate and his body no longer obeys his commands and he is running out of options. It is a mistake. The mirrors are meaner now than they ever were before. They refuse to let him see the young girl he once thought he was, with long hair doused in glitter. They refuse to let him see the current boy he is today. They refuse to let him imagen the man he wants to become.</p><p>He ends up crying in front of the mirrors he hates so much. He ends up wishing he never made the discovery he did, and that Nee-san wasn’t as smart as she is. Wishing that he was dumb and oblivious. Wishing that he could be happy and comfortable with the idea of him being the best female dancer. Finding himself hating his parents and his sister or lying to him. For telling him that living in Tokyo will be easier for him than his previous rural suburban life.</p><p>He hates himself for having these thoughts because he knows he doesn’t really wish or mean any of it.  Morisuke can’t help but feel this way and he hates it.</p><p>He tells his parents to cancel his membership because the dance studio doesn’t bring him the comfort he is looking for. He can no longer depend on dance like he used too.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke tries to throw himself into volleyball instead. To make that his life line because dance gave up on him, just like how he abandoned it.</p><p>It doesn’t work.</p><p>His coach doesn’t even let him practice with the rest of the team anymore. He is stuck as ball boy, and score keeper, and referee, and clean up, and he never gets a chance to actually practice. Never given time to improve himself, never given a fair chance to even prove himself as a capable volleyball player. He continues to fall further and further behind.</p><p>His coach approaches him after practice one day and suggest he switch back to the girls team. Stating that he will have an easier time there and an opportunity to actually play. Morisuke doesn’t say anything. Regrets letting everyone know about him even though he has nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of.</p><p>He arrives at practice the next day in a raging silence to carry out his duties of bally boy, referee and score keeper.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>His sister comes home. Takes one look at him, then proceeds to drag him out of the house. He tries asking where they are going but she stays silent. The end up at a park. A small quiet one, with lots of grass with well-placed trees.</p><p>She tells him to dance. He states he can’t. Nee-san calls bullshit and tells him to dance. The park is nearly empty. Only an old man with his dog and an older brother with his younger sister. Morisuke states again that he can’t. That he’s tried, and he can’t. She calls him out again, frustration mirroring his own.</p><p>She rips her phone out of her pocket and starts typing furiously. He freezes cause he doesn’t know what is happening. Doesn’t understand why she is so angry, at him. She knows! She knows he can’t dance anymore. Mom and Dad keep her updated on his life in excruciating detail. She knows. She should know!</p><p>That’s when the music reaches his ears. It’s fast and chaotic and matches exactly how he feels at this moment, at this world, at his life. He remembers. He remembers his routine of old. Back before his life began to fall to pieces.</p><p>Morisuke feels his body start moving, start loosening up to flow with practiced ease. And he dances. He. Dances. His body doesn’t move the exact same way as before because he isn’t the same as he was before. No, the patterns are familiar and they help guide him into the forums that feel right. That feel like him.</p><p>He opens his eyes to a blue blue sky, sweaty and panting. Tears start building up in the corners of his eyes. He refuses to let them fall.</p><p>“You ready to talk now?” He nods. “Good”</p><p>Nee-san settles down across from him head next to his. Arms and feet opposite to his and he talks.</p><p>He talks, and he talks about everything. About school, about volleyball, about Tokyo, about growing up, and not growing up. About his team, and his classmates and their parents. About how he is trying so hard to be himself but nothing feels right. About he keeps getting shut down.</p><p>By the end he is panting again, sweat beading on his forehead, sun high in the sky, staring at his sister’s intense eyes. She rips her phone out of her pocket, furiously typing away. Morisuke falls back exhausted. He hears her phone ping, and ping again. He hears the keys clacking and another ping. He sits up wondering who Nee-san is messaging. He sees her staring at her phone intensely until a swoosh rings out. She grins, tosses him a water bottle and walks away. He follows her out of the par, onto a train, to another train and a 10 min walk.</p><p>Morisuke ends up 333 meters in the sky, the city looks small. He feels better. Nee-san always knows what he needs. She is so much smarter than him. Morisuke is smart but not as smart as his sister. He will get there.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>His binder finally arrives in the mail. Nee-san paid for it. Stating he will now no longer have to wear a uniform a seize too big, the baggy clothes not doing him any favors.</p><p>So when the binder arrives he puts it on, and then puts on the correct fitting uniform and looks in a mirror. He gets light headed and can’t believe it works so well. He is flat, completely. It is astonishing. He races into the living room to demand his parents take pictures to send to Nee-san immediately. He gets a response immediately.</p><p><strong>Nee-san:</strong> of course you look flat dumbass. you better not wear it to practice or ill come back and burn it myself</p><p>Morisuke smiles at the threat.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke rededicates himself to volleyball. He can’t believe he was so stupid.</p><p>Not stupid. Let him reword that. He can’t believe he was so closed minded. Morisuke makes sure he becomes the best ball boy to ever exist. He calls upon his dance experience, taking advantage of previous skills.</p><p>The first skill he draws upon is his ability to stay as light as a feather. All of the other players are used to pushing off the ground with all their strength to jump. To run, plant firm, and then soar. Morisuke doesn’t need to plant firm, he can stay agile and soar horizontally. Dance kept him light on his feet, taught him how to land firmly to only push off the next with ease. The other players get caught up in power. They get stiff charging up for their big play. So Morisuke stays light on his feet, never letting the ground suck him in like the others.</p><p>Morisuke also uses his big brain, that everyone is so proud of him for, to expand the range of his spatial awareness that he honed while dancing. He makes it so that he is now able to keep good track of where all the players are located on the court, on both sides of the net, just like how he kept track of his fellow dancers.</p><p>He uses his big brain to incorporate a non-living element into his spatial awareness. The ball. He studies it, learning how it moves in the air. How it reacts to each touch it’s given. Whether that be a gentle tap or a hard smack, he learns. Soon enough he is catching every ball that makes it over the net. It doesn’t matter how far away he is from the ball after the initial touch to send it over the net. The others finally take notice. It makes them mad. They thought they broke him into leaving for good.</p><p>Morisuke leaves practice with bruises on his chest and arms. His parents see the bruising and want him to stop. Concerned over him being bullied, wanting him to return to dance. A safer sport. Morisuke refuses. He tells his parents that he is dancing. That he is dancing around the court, the volleyball as his partner. And that everyone is just jealous of his skills.</p><p>Its partly true. They are jealous, jealous that he has found a way to be good. To be better than he was. They’re all mad at him as well. All except one. Komori.</p><p>Now Komori is short, just a bit shorter than Morisuke himself, earning himself title of libero. Except Komori has always been short, has always been a libero, has always been good. Komori takes an interest in him. Asking how he improved so quickly in such a short amount of time. Morisuke doesn’t answer and continues to catch every ball. Komori won’t take any of it and tells him to receive the balls like him. Like a Libero. Morisuke scoffs at such an absurd idea. Komori is serious and doesn’t leave him alone until he does.</p><p>And he’s good. He’s really really good. Komori is blown away, and coach yells himself blue until his perfect receive from a seemingly impossible spike by their current ace. He is just as good as Montoya, maybe even better. Komori thinks so. The team steams in their anger and coach still refuses to let him play officially. He does get a position as back up libero because not doing so would look bad on coach and coach has an image to uphold. Whatever that is.</p><p>So during the final game they play in his last year of middle school Komori gives Morisuke a look, smiles and proceeds to receive a ball with his face. Their team gets the point because it’s still a perfect receive, and Morisuke gets to play because Komori has a bloody nose.</p><p>Morisuke plays and he wins the second set allowing his team a fighting chance to win the third. Komori is back third set but Morisuke couldn’t care less. He got to play and he never let the ball touch the ground once.</p><p>They end up losing the match and everyone is sad, including himself. He lets Komori sit next to him on the ride back.</p><p>After his graduation ceremony Komori asks again how he got so good. Morisuke decides to finally grace Komori with the answer. “Dance”</p><p>Komori tilts his head to the side. “Dance?”</p><p>“Dance.” He responds firmly. Komori’s head remains tilted, thinking. Morisuke holds his brave face.</p><p>Komori’s face suddenly lights up. “Dance!” is the excited reply, Morisuke is relieved.</p><p>“See you another time!” Komori shouts. “Hope we get to play again!” He runs away, to congratulate the other third years. Morisuke replays the whole interaction in his head. Smiles and runs to find his sister.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p> </p><p>They move to a more suburban area of Tokyo. This house has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a separate living room. He still has to share a room with his sister which isn’t that bad. It’s good to have consistency, she’s away at college most of the time anyways. He makes sure he keeps the succulent. A Christmas cactus joins it.</p><p>He starts his new school and doesn’t share his past no matter how many people ask. He won’t make that mistake again. Even though it shouldn’t have been a mistake the first time. He keeps up with volleyball, and still leaves dance behind not wanting to create any more trouble than he needs to.</p><p>He keeps up with volleyball and meets Kuroo. A sly, cunning, slippery guy that is the complete opposite of him, in every little thing. Everything about Kuroo annoys him. The only bright side of Kuroo is that he gets to verbally battle with another intellectual on his level. Insults are slung back and forth in such fashion that sometimes Morisuke has to pause for a moment to decipher what was just said. He makes sure to throw a increasingly more challenging one back. Kuroo keeps a grin on his face the whole time. He still hates him.</p><p>Morisuke keeps hating Kuroo until they both announce wanting to go to nationals. And learns about Kenma and hears the respect and protectiveness he has over his friend. He learns that he doesn’t have to hide his past with him, and later Kai. That he can be himself around Kuroo and Kai because they have shown him that they will stand up for him when their ‘senpis’ get to aggressive and personal. Morisuke still can’t stand Kuroo most of the time but he respects him now. They might actually be friends now.</p><p>Him, Kai, and Kuroo end up being good enough to be bench warmers despite the team’s objections by the start of their first high school spring-high tournament qualifiers. Kuroo keeps a smirk on during the new jersey assignments, Morisuke kicks him. They don’t need any more reasons to be hated.</p><p>During practice matches and games Morisuke notices Kuroo thinking and observing with intensity.  Morisuke gets a gut feeling he’s plotting something. He’s proven correct when Kuroo talks to him and Kai late at night on the final day of their week-long training camp. Morisuke is looking forward to it.</p><p>They become seconds years and he meets Kenma, and Yamamoto, and Fukunaga. All three are solid players and will make Nekoma great… if the third years would just leave them alone. They seem to have it out for the current first years and Morisuke can’t stand it. He finds himself having to reign in Kuroo more and more so their grand plan doesn’t fall apart.</p><p>To retaliate they hold their own practices with the first years after regular practice. They do what they need to do during games and official practice matches while simultaneously encouraging the third years to leave after inter-highs.</p><p>It works. The third years leave and, they get to buckle down with the first years to become a cohesive team. They get close enough to the point that everyone knows everything about everybody and they don’t have to hide themselves among each other. The rest of the school learns that if you mess with one of them, you <em>will</em> end up with the whole volleyball team after you.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke falls more in love with volleyball, with the people in it, with his life. This year is looking up to be the best year ever because…</p><p>Today is the day! Finally! He gets his fighting chance to even the playing filed. He is a decade and half plus one year and his doctors and parents finally allow him to start T. Best day ever. He insists on not receiving his first official dose until his sister is back in town even though he could have started earlier on his actual birthday. She helped get all this started. She was the one to help him get his first major haircut and the second one after that. The one to buy him his first binder and get his head on straight when he started spiraling. It is only fair that she is present for his next big moment.</p><p>Now here he is, sitting on the exam table, Nee-san in the room with him for moral support. He insisted. Not because the shot itself is scary, he is not scared of needles. It’s just that the excitement and adrenaline is making him jumpy and he needs his rock to keep him steady. That is why Nee-san is in the room holding his hand.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke is now a third year and new a whole boatload of first years join. Such as Inuoka who is a huge breath of fresh air, bringing in a whole new kind of energy to the team. Shibayama who is the sweetest person he has interacted with in a long while. Teshiro is quite and nervous and Morisuke knows that Nekoma can bring him out of his shell, just like how they did with the now second years. The only one that Morisuke has trouble with is Lev. And its not even that Lev is much of a troublemaker. He just doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut and takes forever to understand things. Both volleyball and non-volleyball related.</p><p>Morisuke makes sure the gym and the volleyball club provide the most welcoming environment throughout the whole school for the first years. Refusing to have a repeat of the past two years.</p><p>They have a practice game against Karasuno, their fated rivals and it’s a good set of matches. Nothing he can’t handle. Their ace is big and powerful and he is glad he handled the challenge well. Their libero is scary, intense, focused on the games. Morisuke hears the words “Noya” and “Nishinoya” called out and it tickles the back of his brain, but he has a game to play so he focuses. By the end of the evening Morisuke concludes that Karasuno’s libero is terrifying and wants to battle him again. He makes friends with the other ‘mom friend’ of the Karasuno group and is filled with relief knowing he isn’t the only one with younger trouble makers.</p><p>School and inter-high occupy his time he doesn’t dwell on Karasuno for long. That is until he finds out they are going to be joining them at the week long training camp with Fukurodani and the others. Morisuke gets fired up with the others.</p><p>The week long training camp comes and goes in a blur, with Nekoma keeping their heads above water. He also makes sure to complement Karasuno’s libero every chance he gets, and suddenly they are on a first name basis. Morisuke sticks with his earlier evaluation. That Nishinoya Yuu is terrifying and an inspiration. He gets a deeper feeling that he knew <strike>Nishino-</strike> Yuu in the past but still can’t place from when. His memory search gets buried underneath the drive to improve and put the Owls and the Crows into place.</p><p>They lose against the Owls at the qualifier match. They play against the Snakes and he is performing really well. Soaring around the court. He makes an impossible save and gets injured. Has to trust Shibayama to get the job done. Lev performs adequately well. They win. They got their shot at nationals. Their behemoth of a player didn’t ruin everything.</p><p>His ankle heals, and Nationals goes by in a blur. The Battle of the Trash Heap happens, and he is astounded by Karasuno’s growth. He makes sure to complement Yuu on his volleyball and as fast as lighting, is thrown a complement right back. They lose but cheering Karasuno onward is fun. And later the fun ramps up when Karasuno joins them in supporting Fukurodani.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>His last year is coming to an end. Volleyball is over for him. The team is doing well and are going to be fine next year.</p><p>He focuses back on his studies. He needs to perform well so he can catch up to his sister. He spends the majority of the time studying for his college entrance exams. He will still stop by volleyball practice a couple of times a week to help out.</p><p>In the little extra time Morisuke has in his schedule he will go to the local dance studio towards closing hours. He’ll play downloaded soundtracks of his previous routines and others he found on YouTube through the room’s speakers. He still won’t dance in a room with mirrors. He isn’t ready for that just yet.</p><p>He pulls on his ballet shoes and starts letting his body flow. He loves the fluidity that flows back in his body. The way his body can bend and twirl and contort into shapes that he knows will make Kuroo’s eyes boggle. He smirks at the thought.</p><p>Morisuke never thought that dancing would be so natural to him again. He thought he officially and forever gave it up all those years ago. The first time he finishes a brand-new routine he choreographed himself he cries. This is him living.</p><p>He is greeted with a banquet of flowers on his bed that night.</p><p>Morisuke graduates among the top of his class and is smug when he beats Kuroo in ranking. It’s only by one rank, but that one rank means a whole lot.</p><p>He decides to live in the dorms at his college. He Succulent and Christmas cactus is joined by a Peace Lilly. His classes are tough and challenging but Morisuke is undeterred. He is almost caught up to his sister in intelligence level, he isn’t going to be left behind.</p><p>He joins the college inter-mural volleyball league and takes as many dance classes as his packed biomechanical engineering track allows. His work load keeps him busy and happy. He was never one to stay still after all.</p><p>He ends up having to drop the inter-mural volleyball league his senior year and can only take one dance class per semester. He needs to fit more time at the lab he is volunteering at to improve his resume for internship positions after he graduates.</p><p>Morisuke’s efforts are rewarded when he gets his acceptance letter to a prestigious biomechanical engineering lab located in the center hub of Tokyo. His senior project about designing better assistive equipment and prosthetics for impaired athletes must have sealed the deal.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke is finishing unpacking his last box in his new single bedroom apartment when his phone rings. Caller ID reads Unknown. Not unusual, he just got his own phone plan and failed to transfer all his contacts over. </p><p>“Mushi Mushi?”</p><p>“About time you picked up Yuu! Do you know how many times I have texted you?” Yuu? Texted? Why is this mystery person scolding him?</p><p>“Um? No. This isn’t Yuu.” The silence after lasts so long Morisuke is sure the other person has hung up by now.</p><p>“I am soo sorry!” is loudly shouted back at him. “Please forgive me! That was so rude of me. I am not a rude person I promise.” Morisuke is recovering from the two very different verbal conversations he just received.</p><p>“Don’t worry. Who is this Yuu person?”</p><p>“Oh. Yuu is one of my best friends.” The deep voice continues. “She emailed me a while back that she just got the all clear to start up regular activities again after her surgery. I replied to the email but haven’t gotten a response back yet.” Surgery, that’s interesting. Morisuke unconsciously rubs at his chest, feeling the raised lines that now rest there.</p><p>“Surgery recovery sucks ass” he sympathizes. He can’t help but remember Kuroo laughing at him during his recovery. Pointing out that he looked like a T-rex when trying to grab the bowls from the bar counter top for a simple breakfast of cereal. The amount of times he kicked Kuroo in the shins that week gave him major Lev flashbacks. His sister sent him poinsettias and the new Wii U counsel as an apology for not being able to be there for such an important life event.</p><p>Morisuke jolts himself out of reminiscing, needing to figure out his mystery caller. “How did you get this number?”</p><p>“This is actually Yuu’s number. Or was I guess.” The voice sounds disappointed. Morisuke tries to think of an appropriate response. The voice sounds semi familiar. It tickles the back of his mind. Yuu… surgery… “The Nishinoya Yuu is your best friend! Who got on the cover of volleyball monthly five times in the past three years Nishinoya Yuu?” Morisuke does his best trying to keep up with both the volleyball and dance community since graduating high school. Just school and life can be very inconvenient at times.</p><p>He remembers the first volleyball monthly issue he picked up after years of not reading them to find Nishinoya Yuu of Karasuno on the front cover. The magazine Nishinoya has her hair braided over her shoulder while wearing a sleeveless volleyball jersey. He opens the magazine to Nishinoya’s spread and reads about the Nationals competition they participated in high school. By the end Morisuke is in tears and couldn’t be prouder. He keeps each cover and spread on his new refrigerator.</p><p>“Yes?” The reply is more of a question than an answer.</p><p>“Which friend of hers are you?”</p><p>“Asahi. Azumane Asahi.” Asahi nervously responds. Morisuke thinks this is the big ace Karasuno had at the time he and Yuu played against each other. “Samurai guy right?”</p><p>The rest of the conversation flows better than it’s beginning. After it’s all over Morisuke is glad that he has been able to reconnect with some old volleyball acquaintances. He made sure to save Azumane’s number and a promise to be kept updated on Yuu’s where abouts.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Three of Morisuke’s students just came out to him in just as many weeks. He wasn’t expecting transferring Yuu’s story to live on the wall of his studio would bring out this kind of reaction. Not that he regrets it. He would never regret it. It’s just that the range of the stories his kids tell him of their lives can be emotionally exhausting. He just wants to go to bed, eat dinner, shower and sleep. </p><p>Which brings him back to his current thought. Where is Yuu now? Azumane-san hasn’t updated him yet about her current whereabouts since quote unquote ‘disappearing’ over a month ago. He decides to shoot Azumane-san a text.</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Hi. This is Yaku. Any update on Yuu’s whereabouts?</p><p>He is cooking himself a dinner of chicken and rice when the reply comes in.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> I’m so sorry. I got caught up in the excitement of finally getting a resonse from her I forgot to let you know.</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Don’t worry Azumane-san.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> Yuu is in Australia at the moment. She claims she want’s to try wrestling with kangaroos and other animals before returning to volleyball.</p><p>Morisuke is amused at the image the text brings forth. He feels bad for the animals that are going to get caught up in Yuu’s adventure.</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Those animals better watch out then.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> Glad to know I’m not the only one worried about the animals.</p><p>Morisuke tries his best not to spill his water all over him at the reply.</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Can you do me a favor Azumane-san?</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> Sure. What is it?</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Can you let me know when Yuu gets back to Japan. There is something I want to tell her that I didn’t get a chance to say back when we were all in high school.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> I can do that. You want me to give you her new number once she gets back? We are currently communicating through email because she wants a break from social media. Yuu also refuses to get an international phone plan</p><p>That sounds very much like Yuu from his short interactions with her and what he got off of her multiple volleyball interviews.</p><p><strong>Yaku:</strong> Thank you Azumane-san. I appreciate it. Enjoy the rest of your evening.</p><p>--- --- ---</p><p>Morisuke is about to fall asleep after a long busy day spent bouncing between the lab, dance coaching, and a pick up volleyball game when he gets a text message.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> She’s not back yet but Tanaka, her grandpa and I finally convinced her to get a phone.</p><p><strong>Azumane-san:</strong> ###-####-#####</p><p>Tanaka? He recalls the loud bald monk of Karasuno. He makes sure to send a quick thanks to Azumane-san before saving Yuu’s new number to his phone.</p><p>He smiles as he types out a message.</p><p><strong>Morisuke:</strong> Hey Yuu. It’s Morisuke from Nekoma. I got a secret that isn’t a secret that I meant to tell you earlier.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://rayofsun936.tumblr.com/">tumble</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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